Start over, shall we?

With every passing day the need for a start over seems more and more warranted. There are so many things that need to be set right. Almost everything seems imperfect in retrospect. It's like burden which is becoming heavier by the day slowing me down. You can't just leave the past and start over. It doesn't work like that.

Nothing's ever done.... No matter what you do, or what you pretend, the past is there. You can't ignore it.

JOHN SAUL, When the Wind Blows

It's the past that defines us, that describes us.
It's the past that restricts us, that constricts our path.
That drives us and disappoints us.

The past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.

ECKHART TOLLE, The Power of Now

I want to go back to the start again. I know now what I need to  needed to do. The battles I must have won, the battles I should never have volunteered for. Promises (to myself) that I should never have made. Ideals, morals, fairness are the real vices for which there IS no rehab.

But I can't really go back now can I? Past, clowns to the left of me and jokars to the right, and here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Conversation killer

LOL

I hate it when I get a "lol" in reply... I mean if you feel like laughing then go Haha at least it sounds like a laugh! When I get a lone lol I choose to end the conversation more often than not (it also depends on who sent it and my inclination to put myself through some more lol horror)

Why people choose to use this Conversation killer?

1. To KILL the conversation. Of course if you actually wanna kill the conversation then you can go ahead and LOL. It would work even better than HMMM...

2. You actually say "LOL" out loud instead of laughing in the 'real' world. ( Saw such a creature in some movie/series )

3. You actually believe that it's Cooler to LOL then to laugh.

4. You genuinely have nothing to say and LOL is your way of dealing with awkwardness.

5. You've not heard about the 'cooler' version of LOL which is LAUL.

What is YOUR reason?

Coming back to life

I can't remember the last time I was chilling on a Sunday evening waiting for people to assemble downstairs for cricket. Today truly has arrived after a long and tiring wait. There are countless articles about life in an Indian B-school but I'd say you got to experience it to really understand what it's all about.

I remember that the wait at the Cal airport while heading to Delhi during durga puja vacations felt longer than my entire stay there. I doubt if I ever felt as reluctant about leaving home as I did while heading back for summers. Although it was a little comforting to see that other shared my fears.

As much as I wanted to come back to school, joining a B-school was more like joining a race. There was no time. There is never any. You've no choice but to forget about your life outside of campus. Even campus life is restricted to quizzes and placement prep. Going to those parties with that guilty conscience was fun in its own way.

Now that we're past those dreaded first few months where I wasted more time worrying about work rather than doing some. Let the real college drama begin!

MadMen

Acting crazy or depressed!

Eat a lot or nothing at all!

Talk a lot or completely hush!

Extremely stupid or annoyingly cautious!

Super confident or shaking really!

Too Active or completely dormant!

Too friendly or extremely distant!

Too judgmental or too humble!

Sloshed or SOBER!

Salad or Butter Chicken!

Hence - Mad! In a world which preaches Moderation!

How do I know all this?
Well...

Vacations

Who doesn't like vacations?
Who wouldn't? :S

Do we all look forward to go on one?
Yes!

Is there a threshold period for them to last?
Don't think so (truth is YES!)

After the threshold period which is about 18 days and 14 hours in my opinion...

Do you start  talking to people you generally never have time for?
Yes!

You do stupid things just because you're bored?
Yes!

You end up feeling very irritated?
Yes!

You start feeling that all your friends are corporate rats?
Yes!

You have a little too much time to think about your life!
Yes!

Does the last part suck?
Oh Yes!

Do you take rapid measures to fix things which will prevent you from reflecting too much on your life?
Definitely!

Especially after a few drinks?
Of course!

Does that push you further in the mess?
Well, Of course!

Now do you wish for the vacations to get over?
So do!

Does this mean that you're missing work?
Are you kidding me? :P

Extreme Emotions

Can emotions not be extreme?
If yes then are those really emotions?

What really puzzles me is when people ask Why you feel that way?
If I knew I won't call them emotions now would I?
I don't know why I feel like beating some people to pulp with my bare hands and protect some from everybody else.

I can give a long list of reasons but the truth be told they'll just be made up excuses. I don't know why I hate someone or why I love someone. But I can tell you the feelings are never moderate. The feelings should NEVER be moderate. I suck at moderation and feel bad about it sometimes. Not only emotions but otherwise too. I don't know about other things but emotions shouldn't be moderate or temporary. I mean in a world where everything is temporary if you can't even feel a certain way about someone or something then I don't see you having any sort of an identity. You don't have any ground zero.

When do we search for peace?

It's not new to hear somebody or may be yourself craving for a peaceful vacation. As life gets more and more out of control the craving follows. We of course don't really give into our craving. Not until life's back in control or to say when it's feasible(work is sane enough) to take a time off.

So if you think about it we never really let go of our mad lives to experience peace but it's during those peaceful times we fool ourselves. We tell ourselves that we've made this happen as planned. We go for AOL kinda courses when we're most at peace with our lives anyway. Not to say that these courses are bad or good for that matter but the fact is that no one runs for peace when he/she needs it the most. We just choose to fool ourselves later. Can you imagine madness in office or at home and u leaving for a peaceful vacation. We search for peace when we've time and when we've time we're generally peaceful...

Learning to drive

This is a topic I mostly avoid because it's immensely embarrassing but since off late I've good stuff going on so i don't really care about not having a driving license.

Well I think I drove for the first time when I was in 5th standard. Yes our driver used to let me do that when my folks weren't around. And as all driving instructors tell their students he also told me that I'm naturally good at it. That time I couldn't wait to turn 18 and get a license to freedom. But as destiny had it I no longer had a car. So i decided to wait.

Once in murthal we went to pick up Rahul's degree. As he stepped to go to a lone departmental store in his barren campus Ritesh gave into my request of letting me go for a small drive. I started and I very well knew that Rahul would come running for his 'baby' so I decided to really hit the gas as there was no way i could afford it to come to a halt straight away. As expected Rahul had his jaw dropped and he never ran like that on the cricket field either. Ritesh had his heart racing very well knowing he might end up being the scapegoat here. As I looked back to make these observations the car headed towards a tree inside a narrow ditch. I 'seemed' to be completely out of control and I heard *beep* *beep* *beep* from behind which wasn't helping my driving I must add. I of course steered back onto the road very comfortably. They did let me drive till the gate then but still for some inexplicable reason Rahul starts breathing heavily when we talk about that incident.

Three years later my driving experience in Goa however was much better and I must add Karan is one patient instructor. Also, he couldn't believe that it was the first time I was driving may be our family driver was telling the truth after all.

After so many years I'd lost interest in driving but I think it's time that I hit the road so today I join a driving school not because I need to learn but because it's okay to damage their cars :)

Humility costs money

Can you really be humble? I mean if you're a celeb then it could be a distant possibility but is it possible for the ordinary citizen that you are(after all you've time for reading this how important could you be) to be humble?

Think about it if you don't like selling yourself and you're the kinda guy who's not yet on tv then are you qualified to be called humble? You can definitely be the 'cool' 'chilled-out' 'rooted' chap next door but never the brilliant yet humble, successful yet grounded friend everyone loves.

On the other hand humility without the fame could be misconstrued as under-confidence or incompetence. So it begs the question is humility another measure of social status which requires a lot of money but can never be bought?

Who all can you be humble with? Masses? Media? I mean are you even supposed to be humble with friends? Won't it come out as arrogance too?

Is it all worth the hard work after all we are who we are...

Back Home

We make decisions every second of every day during our existence. There are times we retrospect and wonder what was sensible and what was a blunder. At times we even spend a bomb on a vacation just for some peace to clear our head.

I think the best vantage point is Ground Zero itself. The place where you grew up. Where you first dream of everything you want to be and everything you want for yourself (We tend to confuse the two don't we?). The place where people still remember you as the kid who broke their window on a summer evening and then had the courage to come and ask for the ball as well :)

It's the place where everyone comes back or visit to share their life journeys with people who couldn't care more about impressions & reputations. Where you could be that silly little kid again and talk about incidents & ambitions which are otherwise never talked about.

Not often one gets a chance to taste the long lost past again. It marks the end of a journey and the beginning of a new challenge. And until the starting gun is heard it's a carnivale.

Best Profession Ever

To crack jokes at people and then get paid by the very same people. Can there be a better job?

STAND UP COMEDY IS THE SHIT

Recently I had the 'pleasure' of going to the Comedy Store. And It was money well spent.

You can order food and drinks inside the audi but avoid drinking too much too quickly because your attempted escape to relieve yourself won't go unnoticed. Ringing phone on the other hand would guarantee you the experience of the Comedy Store's version of "Phone a Friend" where the friend would have no idea what he's up against.

The host and the best comedian of the lot was the most unprepared and was the most chatty one as well. I happen to know some people who I believe have the "skill-set" for this coveted job.

1. Karan Kalia - If he gives up the motto "Why STAND if you can sit" after all it's stand up comedy.
2. Aditya Changavalli - If he can start seeing a Trichologist after all who'd want to watch a disgruntled bald comedian.

Moving on

If someone had asked me three years ago about my expectations while moving to Bombay I might have said a lot of things or may be nothing but there's no way I could have predicted the way things turned out.
I've lived several lives in these three years and I'm glad I decided to 'migrate' here.

And now it's time to move again and this time I'm not even going to bother imagining what it would be like two three years later although it's a lot of fun to do so.

Hopefully I'd have seen more of the world.
Hopefully I won't have too many regrets.
Hopefully I'd have learned to serve properly by then.
Hopefully I'd spend more time with camera and less with lightroom.
Hopefully my posts have some humor in them.
and a lot more "Hopefully"s

Chennai debacle a few years ago taught me that one has to accept the new place as his/her own to have any chance at having a good time. Well right now I'm just excited about moving back to Delhi even if it's for less than a month :)

Time Markers

"90s were the real shit man" is what I always say and well that was one hell of an era. Listening to old songs(even 90s is old now) and watching those movies makes me feel quite nostalgic. I always wondered why do they make me feel so different not like we don't get good music now. Is it the relatively emtpy streets in the videos of that time? Well, crowded Mumbai IS getting on my nerves off late.

But that's not it. Those songs/movies are acting like time markers connecting me to my own past, a way of living which I've forgotten. Moving on is a part of life but a proper good bye is always in order. May be I need to go back one more time, to those pitches where i spent most of my childhood and once I'll take the stance may be the frenzy will return. May be I need to re-visit those alleys. May be I need to live without any "Year end targets" in my head. May be I need to give the past its due importance and the people from back then. And may be then I'll have my closure.

Polite is Rude

Can one really be polite?

The very nature of the gesture makes it obvious.
You can't be polite and subtle at the same time. So is it really worth it to be polite?
Isn't it like pity? And isn't that rude?

The very idea of being polite is to act in a way which would need deliberate effort.
Does that not make it a lie? And is lying polite?

The very need for politeness is to avoid offending others.
That is assuming that they're not good enough to handle the truth.

NOW IS THAT POLITE?

I don't think one can be polite without being disrespectful.
Politeness is like being rude but disguised.

The Obvious

Best books are the ones which put into words what we already know...

Is what Changi once told me and I think he was quoting someone as usual. I think I kind of agreed with the logic, at least then I did because if you think of it when we read something and really agree with what's written then it's hard to build an alternate perspective. Soon it's even hard to imagine that you ever thought differently. So in essence it feels like we knew it all along.. but did we? May be that's the beauty of a good book that it makes us convince ourselves that the whole idea is our brainchild...

Obvious Sells!

Fading Memories

I regret not clicking any pictures during my school days...
Somehow I'm not there in any of the class portraits!

Hundreds and thousands of days in the district park... oh how I'd like to see a picture of us playing...
Guess somethings can only be captured in memories and not memory cards...

Dhobhi Ghaat

Chaos is what it seems from outside. But each individual experiences something unique and yet so similar in ways which outsiders can never comprehend.

It made me wonder. Is life complicated or we complicate it. Are we so afraid of our instinct that we spend(read waste) all our time in calculating every move and analyzing each and everything that happens.

Are we so afraid of falling that we don't want to experience free fall ever again?
Is certainty so exciting that we want to know everything?

Someone told me "things do work out as they should". I do believe so now or at least I want to.

May be the lost capability of taking chances is what makes us miss our golden days (: