Nobody Changes

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith


Ever felt that the same things go wrong every time?
It's like a curse. We tell people stories about how it happened to us. How we got out of those terrible times and then right then it starts happening all over again. You thought it wouldn't again or even if it did you're all mature and learned to deal with it this time. Does it really go well this time? I doubt it. It crashes your world again and you do exactly what you promised yourself you wouldn't do. It's not that you don't know what should be done because you know exactly. But.. you couldn't you wouldn't because that would mean you'll have to change your ways. You'll have to change yourself. You'll have to own up to all those past nightmares which you had conveniently blamed on others. It's just not acceptable. There has to be a big conspiracy against you. Perhaps it's god himself who hates you.


We are all aware of our strengths, shortcomings and idiosyncrasies too. Likewise, we all can see the Devil within but we can't let go of him because he's internal to us. We turn to him in times of need. So what if he chooses to destroy our life we still can't pay the small price of killing the ego/the shortsightedness/the madness. We live on with our respective devils and it grows stronger and stronger burning us inside.


We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.  ~Lynn Hall

Start over, shall we?

With every passing day the need for a start over seems more and more warranted. There are so many things that need to be set right. Almost everything seems imperfect in retrospect. It's like burden which is becoming heavier by the day slowing me down. You can't just leave the past and start over. It doesn't work like that.

Nothing's ever done.... No matter what you do, or what you pretend, the past is there. You can't ignore it.

JOHN SAUL, When the Wind Blows

It's the past that defines us, that describes us.
It's the past that restricts us, that constricts our path.
That drives us and disappoints us.

The past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.

ECKHART TOLLE, The Power of Now

I want to go back to the start again. I know now what I need to  needed to do. The battles I must have won, the battles I should never have volunteered for. Promises (to myself) that I should never have made. Ideals, morals, fairness are the real vices for which there IS no rehab.

But I can't really go back now can I? Past, clowns to the left of me and jokars to the right, and here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Conversation killer

LOL

I hate it when I get a "lol" in reply... I mean if you feel like laughing then go Haha at least it sounds like a laugh! When I get a lone lol I choose to end the conversation more often than not (it also depends on who sent it and my inclination to put myself through some more lol horror)

Why people choose to use this Conversation killer?

1. To KILL the conversation. Of course if you actually wanna kill the conversation then you can go ahead and LOL. It would work even better than HMMM...

2. You actually say "LOL" out loud instead of laughing in the 'real' world. ( Saw such a creature in some movie/series )

3. You actually believe that it's Cooler to LOL then to laugh.

4. You genuinely have nothing to say and LOL is your way of dealing with awkwardness.

5. You've not heard about the 'cooler' version of LOL which is LAUL.

What is YOUR reason?

Coming back to life

I can't remember the last time I was chilling on a Sunday evening waiting for people to assemble downstairs for cricket. Today truly has arrived after a long and tiring wait. There are countless articles about life in an Indian B-school but I'd say you got to experience it to really understand what it's all about.

I remember that the wait at the Cal airport while heading to Delhi during durga puja vacations felt longer than my entire stay there. I doubt if I ever felt as reluctant about leaving home as I did while heading back for summers. Although it was a little comforting to see that other shared my fears.

As much as I wanted to come back to school, joining a B-school was more like joining a race. There was no time. There is never any. You've no choice but to forget about your life outside of campus. Even campus life is restricted to quizzes and placement prep. Going to those parties with that guilty conscience was fun in its own way.

Now that we're past those dreaded first few months where I wasted more time worrying about work rather than doing some. Let the real college drama begin!

MadMen

Acting crazy or depressed!

Eat a lot or nothing at all!

Talk a lot or completely hush!

Extremely stupid or annoyingly cautious!

Super confident or shaking really!

Too Active or completely dormant!

Too friendly or extremely distant!

Too judgmental or too humble!

Sloshed or SOBER!

Salad or Butter Chicken!

Hence - Mad! In a world which preaches Moderation!

How do I know all this?
Well...

Vacations

Who doesn't like vacations?
Who wouldn't? :S

Do we all look forward to go on one?
Yes!

Is there a threshold period for them to last?
Don't think so (truth is YES!)

After the threshold period which is about 18 days and 14 hours in my opinion...

Do you start  talking to people you generally never have time for?
Yes!

You do stupid things just because you're bored?
Yes!

You end up feeling very irritated?
Yes!

You start feeling that all your friends are corporate rats?
Yes!

You have a little too much time to think about your life!
Yes!

Does the last part suck?
Oh Yes!

Do you take rapid measures to fix things which will prevent you from reflecting too much on your life?
Definitely!

Especially after a few drinks?
Of course!

Does that push you further in the mess?
Well, Of course!

Now do you wish for the vacations to get over?
So do!

Does this mean that you're missing work?
Are you kidding me? :P

Back Home

We make decisions every second of every day during our existence. There are times we retrospect and wonder what was sensible and what was a blunder. At times we even spend a bomb on a vacation just for some peace to clear our head.

I think the best vantage point is Ground Zero itself. The place where you grew up. Where you first dream of everything you want to be and everything you want for yourself (We tend to confuse the two don't we?). The place where people still remember you as the kid who broke their window on a summer evening and then had the courage to come and ask for the ball as well :)

It's the place where everyone comes back or visit to share their life journeys with people who couldn't care more about impressions & reputations. Where you could be that silly little kid again and talk about incidents & ambitions which are otherwise never talked about.

Not often one gets a chance to taste the long lost past again. It marks the end of a journey and the beginning of a new challenge. And until the starting gun is heard it's a carnivale.

Best Profession Ever

To crack jokes at people and then get paid by the very same people. Can there be a better job?

STAND UP COMEDY IS THE SHIT

Recently I had the 'pleasure' of going to the Comedy Store. And It was money well spent.

You can order food and drinks inside the audi but avoid drinking too much too quickly because your attempted escape to relieve yourself won't go unnoticed. Ringing phone on the other hand would guarantee you the experience of the Comedy Store's version of "Phone a Friend" where the friend would have no idea what he's up against.

The host and the best comedian of the lot was the most unprepared and was the most chatty one as well. I happen to know some people who I believe have the "skill-set" for this coveted job.

1. Karan Kalia - If he gives up the motto "Why STAND if you can sit" after all it's stand up comedy.
2. Aditya Changavalli - If he can start seeing a Trichologist after all who'd want to watch a disgruntled bald comedian.

Dhobhi Ghaat

Chaos is what it seems from outside. But each individual experiences something unique and yet so similar in ways which outsiders can never comprehend.

It made me wonder. Is life complicated or we complicate it. Are we so afraid of our instinct that we spend(read waste) all our time in calculating every move and analyzing each and everything that happens.

Are we so afraid of falling that we don't want to experience free fall ever again?
Is certainty so exciting that we want to know everything?

Someone told me "things do work out as they should". I do believe so now or at least I want to.

May be the lost capability of taking chances is what makes us miss our golden days (:

Bombay to Delhi

While waiting for the boarding announcement the things that run through my head aren't about what I'm going to do once I'm there. It's not about the people I'll meet. It's not about my college days. Although these are the things I expect myself to think about.

What do I think about?

Getting up at 5 in the morning and waking everyone else up for the 6 AM cricket match. Getting back home by 11 and then playing a game of Business with my oldest friend. Then a lunch break before we get back to the field.

Those summers just don't come back. The Delhi I left is not the one I keep coming back to. Perhaps I left 'home' long before I went to Bombay.

Not that I don't enjoy visiting this 'new place' and ALWAYS consider staying back forever. I still love going to Khan and drinking up with my favorite friends and will always do :)

I hate Heroes

As a kid I wanted to master every profession. My dream job was the Profession of the Week at that time. Everything was possible. One day I could be whatever I want to be. Therefore I loved all the larger than life characters despite grown ups calling them unrealistic. Now even I hate such characters(except Batman) because that day never came. Because I no longer dream to be like them. Because I've grown up.

So is this what growing up is about? Coming face to face with your own shortcomings? Being realistic?

Or is it about losing the confidence that you once had and now you're just trying to 'fit in' with the ordinary?

Make My Trip

One of the downsides of living away from home is that most of your vacations are used up in traveling back n forth. And somehow friends and family always feel that you could have stayed for longer, I don't blame them. But there comes a time when you want to go for a real vacation. New place. No pending work to take care of (there's always some at home). No worries about missing somebody (It's so annoying to hear "arre tum dilli aaye aur mile bhi nahin"). So I replaced a Delhi plan with Kerala and the trip was totally worth it! More on that in some other post.

So this trip meant I couldn't go home for more than 5 months. Now even for a guy like me it's long enough to start feeling homesick. The Diwali vacations due in another month or so seemed far away so I decided to plan a short weekend trip for the time being. I booked Rajdhani tickets keeping in mind that I've to spend again for Diwali tickets. I also got a day's leave approved which along with the weekend and ganesh immersion seemed like a long enough 'short trip'.

But a day before I was scheduled to leave for Delhi something came up at work and I had to cancel my ticket and consequently the trip as I didn't want to spend 5k on flight tickets. So to drown my sorrow I went drinking. It seemed like usual beer but as my friend pointed out then it had more than the usual effect that day. I joked how could she be tipsy on two beers. So I returned around midnight and there I was on MakeMyTrip.com. I saw there was a 9 'O clock flight to Delhi. I called My roomie and asked if I should just book it. I got a diplomatic response "if it makes you happy then by all means" which was good enough for me then. So there I took out my credit card and Air India Xpress got richer by about 5 grands. I got the confirmation email but what I read got me completely out of the beer high that I was enjoying. It said

Itinerary and Reservation Details

Air India Express IX-143 Departure New Delhi (DEL) Sat, 18 Sep 2010, 09:30 hrs Arrival Mumbai (BOM) Sat, 18 Sep 2010, 11:45 hrs Non-Stop Flight Duration: 2h 15m Non-Refundable Fare Cabin:Economy

Passenger Name Type Airline PNR Mr kanishk arya Adult IX08264821

In case you missed it too it says from DELHI to MUMBAI. I'm sure I read this at least a dozen times. I just couldn't believe my luck. I also noticed that the ticket was "Non-Refundable". I don't remember how many call centers I called that night but I do remember that i found out that Air India Xpress has NONE. They've nothing to do with Air-India except the fact that they use air-crafts deemed unfit by Air India after use. (And there I was already wondering if I can enter the duty free as this was an International connecting flight)

I finally recovered as much as I could and then I started doing some math. I was 3k down for no good reason but if I put in 5k more then Delhi will welcome me with both hands :)

I booked the ticket again after CAREFUL scrutiny. The flight was scheduled for departure at 6 in the morning so I decided not to sleep at all. Instead I reached the airport early and checked-in (How would they leave w/o me now? :D)

I decided I won't tell anyone about this height of stupidity (of course most of my friends knew about this before I caught the flight).

For the record I'm not reckless with money and hence I decided to not celebrate my Birthday which was due next week (Like that was gonna happen) ;)

Go for It

I didn't know how to swim when i was born. I doubt if you did either. In-fact I used to be quite afraid of water. It embarrassed me that my friends could just float when I was holding onto the ground beneath for dear life. I always thought I'd learn one day but it took me quite some time to realize that I can't do that sitting inside my safe, comfortable, familiar room. In-fact I can't learn pretty much anything after a point until I let go the familiarity of sameness, the tranquility of repetition and the protection of my parents. To learn I have to explore unfamiliar grounds and dive into that swimming pool. Its new so it'll be scary, uncomfortable and risky. I might tap the water in anxiety, look around for help, gasp for breath and may be I'll never be able to come out but if I do, if I do survive, if I do hang in there then I WILL know how to swim. The time in that unfamiliar terrain will teach me more than any lecture could, any tutorial would. I can always quote from others' experiences but I can learn only from my own.

I have one life so I'd rather say yes than no, I'd rather move ahead than hold onto my past, I'd rather take that chance than look for excuses to maintain the status quo, I'd rather win the world than live a compromise.

Epiphany

I grew up in a society which used to be quite peaceful then. The local shops and vendors would recognize me and tend to know most people by name. There used to be a fixed shop for groceries, for stationery etc. There also used to be this roadside juice vendor where we used to go have juice quite regularly.

With time a lot of new shops and malls begun to open up. A new juice shop also opened giving it some competition with more options better fruits and some sitting arrangement. Not to forget it had an electric machine which means quicker service and hence a more favorable option among the two.

Years passed and I've been living away for so long that I didn't even remember that there was ever a juice cart outside my colony. This time when I visited home I happened to pass by the same spot. That juice cart was still there. He'd grown quite old now, lesser fruits on his cart, far lesser hope on his face. He looked up and nodded to acknowledge that he knows who I am, I nodded back in despair for him.

What did I see?
Stagnation, despair, grim reality.

What did I learn?
You can either move forward with the world or get left behind to be despised later.

Change is inevitable.

Happy Birthday

Birthdays are over-rated is what I used to think at one point of time. A small party at home used to suffice and the best part was/is that i could ask mom to make anything I like :)
With time things changed and then came a curse... Whatever I might do my b'day plans used to crash in vain. So much so that after a point I started dreading my b'day. It was depressing to say the least.

I came to Bombay and it was a 'failed b'day plan' in the making. That's when I put my foot down and went off the leopold and was carried out of hard rock. I had a smile on my face remarking that I've ended the curse, I've drank it down, I've smoked it up.

I still remember the b'day the last b'day I spent with dad when he took me out for dinner. I still wish I should have talked more enjoyed more but i guess it's true when grown up children sit with their parents nothing much is really talked about. I wish I could change that.

It's important to have memorable birthdays because then you remember what you did and how you felt then in which case Birthdays also act as reality checkpoints.
We can evaluate how much have we grown in the last year or two?
Are we doing what we wanted to and promised ourselves to be doing?
Are we happier?

But the most revolutionary change that one can notice is the way our relationships change with people.
Sometimes someone we didn't even know till last b'day becomes too important this time while the special someone from last time might be completely missing from the frame this time around.
It can be quite overwhelming sometimes.

Bombay

I still remember my first train ride to this city. The excitement of finally going to bbay (previously i had to cancel twice) and this time it wasn't supposed to be just a trip. Initially it seemed very much like delhi because of hindi being the preferred language. But very soon I began to see the difference. This wasn't just another city. This wasn't just another seaside. This is Bombay !!

There is something about this city, something which can only be felt although I'm still hoping to explain it with this post. There's something in the air as a friend of mine put it and all of us agreed to. There are so many other nice cities in the country but there's something different about  bombay. The madness the rush the freedom the sea the lights the sky scrapers the hotness the rains and "It's my life" attitude makes it the place to be.

I always feel that the city is looking after me, a protective blanket, a feeling of being home and a very happening home at that :)

My balcony view. Courtesy - Nikhil Agarwal

Whenever any of my friends visit I feel like it's my duty to take them around and make sure they love the city which they always do. Although there are some who don't appreciate the awesomeness and I find it extremely difficult to stay friends with them henceforth :P

If you're in town remember that Elephanta caves isn't really bombay but this is - MyMumbaiChecklist.

The Opinion

There is information and then there is disinformation, and a whole lot of it.

Every media house seems to have an agenda. The content seems to depend more upon what can sell rather than the fact of the matter.

Some want to do the right thing but have their wings chopped off by the people on the top.

Some blog about it to vent their frustration. Yeah blogging has emerged as a 'revolution in the making'. It's like an alternate media, "by the people", in the real sense of the phrase.

It has its shortcomings though. Some good thoughts are lost in the crowd while some with big names forget that something is not right just because they said it. Even the reader tends to take it for granted rather than cross-checking what he/she reads. Another shortcoming would be the fact that internet has penetrated only 5% of the Indian population. Therefore Television, Films and Print Media still make the real news and will be doing so for decades to come.

They no longer represent us though, at least not in a way we would want them to. It's the corporate houses that they cater to and "Brain-Washing" seems to be the next big agenda. Blogging is how people try to think out loud when media fails them. Next step would be individuals from different spheres of life seeking a common platform to speak their mind and answering questions which really matter to us.

One such attempt is 'The Opinion' magazine.Our purpose behind the formation of this magazine is to act as a platform for the opinions of the generation that is about to come of age. We hope to present pertinent issues from a perspective that highlights their impact on our lives. At the same time, it is equally important to us to ensure that The Opinion is a good read. So we welcome articles and stories from all genres, be it current affairs, sports, politics, economics, entertainment et al.

You can contact Pranay Gupta or me if you'd like to write or contribute in any other way you can think of and also to get your hands on our first issue.

Focus

We keep cribbing how we all are so distracted and are always suggested that some 'focus' would do some wonders. So I made a list of things which always captivate our thoughts and even work can't distract us from them.

1.  Watching your entire life in flashes while looking out through the window on a rainy day.
2.  The woman in red at the bar.
3.  An imminent change in our lifestyle.
4.  Chilled beer running down our throats.
5.  Thought of losing somebody.
6.  Running till you can run no more.
7.  Realizing you can't undo that avoidable screw up.
8.  Hearing somebody describe what you feel better than you could ever have.
9.  Being completely alone in a room full of people.
10. Watching someone's face light up at your sight.
11. Listening to Floyd.
12. Going back where it all started.


P.S. I wanted to write a light-hearted post :S

Please Undo

We're a spoiled bunch of brats. Spoiled by computers with that conveniently located undo option. Spoiled by parents who let us do whatever we want. Spoiled by teachers who said it's Okay to err. News Flash: It's Not ! Try telling your boss that the last piece you sent to the client has errors in it and you'll know it for a fact.

You can't make errors. If you do then you should be prepared to face the consequences. As we grow up the margin becomes increasingly narrow. Still we're a generation who believes that we can get away with anything because we always did. Parents forgave. Teachers usually just gave warnings and it always worked out in the end.

In life, we're not really over the fact that our parents are no longer looking over our shoulders and if we mess up no one will even know until we're neck deep in shit.  The attitude that says i know this is going to get out of control but I'm still gonna go this way and see what happens or figure it out later can only take you so far.

What they forget about is that you get to take the decision once and only once alone. The chain reaction begins. It can't be undone and there really are no second chances in life. You'll have to live with it for the rest of your life. So thinking it through at times isn't such a bad idea after all even though it might not be as exciting.

How Brain Works

Good Days: Things go right. We take the right decisions or at least they seem to be right. We remember how we have done so good in life. How things always work out. How we're better than the rest. How our friends are the best anyone can have. How we've been good to people. How we're proud of ourselves. How others are proud of us. How important we are. How we shouldn't ever change.

Bad Days: We screw up. Domino effect leads to screw ups. Old screw ups re-surface. Old wonders start looking like potential screw-ups. We remember how we always screw up. How it always ends badly. How there's no one to prevent us from falling. How we're a disappointment to us and others. How useless we are. How we can't ever change.

Normal Days: We're just our usual ignorant self.