Self Preservation

Self Preservation defines evolution.
The ability to defy it defines acing the evolutionary race.
We've the ability to choose.
To choose between life and death.
To choose between pleasure and misery, at times, but these choices are driven by motives much more complex than mere survival.
Emotions defy logic and define us.
We've the ability and the drive to choose misery, the lack of which we find quite troubling.
We've the ability to self destruct.
To shoot ourselves in the foot.
To 'change' everything.
The question is to what end ?
Is it just compulsion to check our own breaking point ?
Is there a point to be proven, to others if not ourselves ?
Is there a war to be won ?
Is there a trophy to be lifted ?
Or maybe it's just to keep us 'occupied' like Leonard did.
May be we'll never know.

Quite Real

I like to dream. Imagining a dream world while one is conscious is quite difficult if not impossible. Attention to detail is not the only problem one faces but to control the various objects in the ‘scene’ is like acquiring 'Moksha'. Everything that you don’t want to happen happens because you’re ‘actually’ thinking about them. In short, it invariably leads to chaos in matter of seconds. Dreaming while sleeping is definitely less strenuous although it can be one hell of a roller-coaster ride if not utter chaos.

I find it extremely interesting how we react to difficult situation in real life. How an adrenaline rush pulls us out of despair. We go on the offensive instead and tell ourselves that this is our life and we’re ready to do whatever is necessary to bring it back on path. On the other hand, a difficult situation in a dream is also invariably related to feeling completely helpless. I’ve had a lot of lucid dreams especially as a kid. The adrenaline rush when nothing is going your way tells you that it’s a dream. This is right when we wake up but well not always, at least not me.

The knowledge that you’re dreaming when you’re still asleep puts you in-charge of the dream and unlike the 'day dreams', now you have your whole brain at your disposal. "It's my dream, out here I'm God" is what I used to tell myself. Although it doesn’t last too long, maybe because we can’t really accept that we’re ‘All Powerful’ or maybe we don’t really know what to do with all this power. Does it also mean that although we keep striving for more power in real life we're not really equipped or prepared to handle it if someday we actually acquire enough?

Gaining control over your dream doesn't mean that it's going to last. It's like playing a shooting game which becomes harder and faster as you move forward but only a lot more complex. You try to keep up with the rapidly increasing pace of the dream till you can, knowing very well that sooner or later you'll have to snap out of it. Just like real life just a lot more faster is what I remember of those 'hard to remember' dreams.

No More a Virgin

I still remember when the peer pressure got the better of me. The sheer fun and pleasure made me go over to the other side. It was first year of college and despite of everything I'd been taught, I was able rationalize it nonetheless. Since then I've always tried to help others realize what they're missing out on.

People have their reasons too - Religious, ethical or mere choices they make to prove to themselves that they're in control. I've realized it's not appreciated when the 'beliefs' are questioned and hence I avoid it. Although the pleasure in seeing people appreciate the other side when they decide to move over is worth the effort being put in to 'change' them.

One such conversion took place today. When subway delivered subs which were marked incorrectly. A dear colleague of mine who boasts or rather used to boast of being a 'pure vegetarian' had nibbled a couple of bites before he could realize that what he's eating doesn't taste like the Veggie Delite he ordered but had gotten swapped with the Chicken Tikka. He immediately gulped down the whole bottle of Mango Slice to cleanse himself but it was too late. He knew it was too late. The chicken was inside him. He couldn't boast anymore and everyone knows the first time might take time but once you're on the other side There's no stopping you :)

'Functions'

I hated them in school n college and like them no better in office.

Not the mathematical ones. I'm way too good at ripping apart those little mean pricks ;)

I always found school functions to be torturous. I don't know why. I mean everybody seemed very happy during that time. Maybe because I was never into dancing, singing, dramatics.. You name it and I haven't done it :) So it could be that I didn't feel like I'm a part of it, like I'm the 'outsider', it explains why i always felt suffocated during all such events and wished for them to get over asap so that i could  return to the usual fun.

College fests seemed no better. It always seemed that people changed for that time like We're in a alternate universe and the relationships had a different meanings. It's like everybody arrives not only dressed up on the outside but also trying to play a character whom I just couldn't recognize. My friends never liked attending fests and sometimes when they did, I had a great time so maybe that explains it all. Though I still prefer a House Party on New Year's eve Over going to a club and shouting with 2000 strangers. Not that I don't like going out and attend concerts with thousands of people but somethings are better if only friends are around.

Office has been no respite either with what was supposed to be an annual party got converted into a school function with Juices and Soft drinks replacing the 'happy' drinks and people still pretending to enjoy or have they uncovered the truth about life, happiness and everything that goes with it ?

Venting out @WTF and then the usual @ Hard Rock and Marine Drive (That is my spot, in an every changing world, it is a single point of consistency.) prevented me from throwing up.

Life Cycle

I have a rule. I do not write about my personal life. I just don't ! And that's why I'm going to hate myself in the morning for posting this but right now I'm too buzzed to stop myself, also I won't be able to sleep peacefully unless i get this out of my system.

I'm listening to The Scientist by coldplay - Going back to the start again. That's what I feel like right now. Back to the start. I also listened to Nirvana, Floyd and even Aerosmith and each song reminds me of some particular times during my college life. I can remember what I was thinking then, what I was feeling then and I can feel it again.

I was in my hometown then (Delhi). Now I'm in the city of my dreams (Bombay). Earning my livelihood. Supposedly free to do what-so-ever I want to do. So much has changed. But still everything is the 'same' in some intangible sense of the word. Everything was supposed to be sorted out by now but of course I'm more messed up than I ever was.

Life has completed a full circle, again. This reminds me of a line from the song 'Mad World' - 'Going Nowhere Going Nowhere'. And I ask myself, What the hell is going on ? What am I doing ? What am i supposed to do ?

I wish there's a window out of this circle of life.
I wish I could see it.
I wish someone can show me.
I wish I have the courage to let go and take that highway.
I wish...

Romance in Office

I miss being in college... people didn't pretend to like you. You didn't have to listen to them blabbering about their sad lives. The guy from college who wouldn't dare opening his mouth knowing very well the consequences can now act all cool under the blanket protection office brings him.

The Dull Office with masks all around. Everybody playing the nice guy. "We're one big family" is the slogan being preached. Add chemical X(femme fatale) into the whole equation...

And suddenly the place is not that boring anymore. The masks have been taken off. The real people are back. The order is disturbed. Suddenly it's the most 'competitive' and 'happening' place in town. People are mean again. They are ready to fight again. They are living again.

Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!- Joker

People are in at time again. Initiative are taken like initiatives again. College life can be tasted again. 'Love' is in the air again or may be its just the monsoons...

People are talking again, actually talking. The buzz is back. Adrenalin rush can be felt again. Phones are ringing again. Messages are being sent again. There are 'common' goals again. Getting embarrassed again.

                 We are 'We' again

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